A Practical Blueprint for Dealing with Difficult Situations
“You have power over your mind
– not outside events. Realise this,
and you will find strength.”
MARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS
What is ‘self-control’?
Collins Dictionary defines Self-control as:
“the ability to not show your feelings, or not do the things that your feelings make you want to do”.
So, it is about two distinct but related things; (1) keeping a ‘poker face’ in those situations where it would be unhelpful to reveal what you truly feel e.g., looking nervous in a job interview, and (2) controlling your impulses e.g., not eating a second piece of cake if you are watching your weight, or not yelling at your kids if they do something that annoys you.
This is not to be confused with ‘self-repression’ (i.e., the blocking, or denial of emotions, thoughts or memories) – with self-control we are fully aware of what we are feeling, it is just that we choose to (1) not show, and/or (2) not to give in, to those feelings.
Don’t react, respond
Self-control doesn’t mean that you can’t tell people what you think and feel – it just means that you do it at a time, place, and manner of your choosing. The adage for capturing this idea in a soundbite is, ‘don’t react, respond’. Based on the teachings of Stoicism, this expression encapsulates several important ideas; (i) Pausing before acting, (ii) Processing emotions, (iii) Considering consequences, and (iv) Choosing a deliberate response.
Self-control and you!
People are like snowflakes; we’re all the same, but we’re also all unique.
Fingerprints are an obvious example of this; we all have fingerprints, but no one’s fingerprints are the same as anyone else’s. What that means for a topic like Self-Control is, that although there are general principles, the ‘trick’ is to work out how to make those general principles apply to you, as a unique human being. So, one person may struggle to exercise self-control over what they eat, while another person might find it easy to make good food choices, but may struggle with staying focused on completing important tasks etc.
Why a ‘Poker Face’ matters
A Poker Face is a neutral demeanour that does not reveal your emotional state. The ability to not show your feelings matters because when someone offends you, or they say something you think is foolish, or ‘wrong-headed’, it is very easy for that irritation/exasperation/boredom etc. to (briefly) show up in your facial expression or tone of voice e.g., eye rolling, frowning, shaking your head, sighing etc. We sometimes call these unguarded or unfiltered reactions Emotional Leakage (poker players call them ‘tells’). The other person will most certainly spot the ‘tell’ and respond accordingly, usually by feeling hurt/ threatened/belittled and closing down emotionally. If you are a leader, your ‘tells’ might diminish the ‘emotional safety’ felt by your team and drive a lack of engagement.
The impact can be just as unhelpful when the ‘leakage’ concerns self-doubt, anxiety or worry – as this will cause people to lack confidence in your ability and maybe to reject your suggestions. In the case of dealing with a bully, or aggressive behavior, it may well encourage the other person to be even more hostile as they press home their perceived advantage.
So, (in our professional lives) we are generally seeking to have an iron discipline over the control of our body language and to display either positive, or neutral signals, most of the time.
Why impulse control matters
The ability to control your impulses matters because if we do whatever we feel like in the moment we may well end up saying or doing something that profoundly damages our relationships or harms our interests.
For example, if you consistently choose going out for drinks with colleagues – which is great fun – over (say) going to night school classes to get an extra qualification – which is interesting but less fun than socialising – then you might not get the promotion or pay rise that you were hoping for.
In terms of managing a conversation, Dr George J. Thompson (1941- 2011), who wrote the bestselling book, “Verbal Judo the Gentle Art of
Persuasion”, famously used to say that, “if it feels good to say something during an argument – don’t say it!”, as you will almost certainly be giving voice to something that will inflame the situation. In essence, we can give vent to our feelings freely and fully, or we can achieve our goals, but we can’t do both.
Why selfcontrol is difficult
Self-control is hard because our evolutionary biology gets in the way. This is true for two main reasons, (i) the Fight/Flight Syndrome, and (ii) a focus on short-term gains.
We are programmed to react to threats (a tiger, a rock fall etc.) by triggering the fight/flight syndrome. The fight/flight syndrome prepares the body to either confront the threat – by either fighting/opposing it (fight) or escaping from it (flight). When triggered, stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol are released into the body causing a wide range of affects e.g., raised blood pressure, rapid breathing, slowed digestion etc. These changes help with immediate physical action, but they inhibit clear thinking, and with modern threats, which are mostly psychological rather than physical (e.g., social conflict, money worries, workplace stress) it’s clear thinking that really matters. So, we need to find ways to ‘switch off’ the fight/flight syndrome when it occurs.
We also have an inbuilt desire to value quick, immediate, short-term gains over long-term gains. Our ancestors lived in uncertain times where the future was unpredictable. This made delaying gratification risky because they couldn’t be sure of future rewards. Choosing immediate rewards helped them survive and meet their immediate needs, such as finding food and shelter. This behaviour has shaped human decision-making processes today. The temptation to forego a future benefit for something that gives instant pleasure is strong, because our brains are wired to prefer a small reward now, over a much bigger reward later. So, we avoid the temporary discomfort of an awkward conversation, or going to the gym, (so we feel comfortable right now) and allow a bad situation to go unchecked until it grows into a major issue.
The Poker Face
Three ways to mask your feelings
To develop a neutral expression, you can engage in several practical exercises that help train your facial muscles and enhance your ability to maintain a composed demeanour. Here are three techniques for helping to develop this skill…
Mirror Practice – Stand in front of a mirror and practice maintaining a neutral expression. Release tension in your facial muscles. Relax your jaw and lower your tongue from the roof of your mouth. Relax your face, soften your eyes, and avoid any tension. Check for frowns or other involuntary expressions. Next, gently massage your facial muscles in circular motions. Focus on areas like the jaw, cheekbones, and forehead to loosen tight muscles and improve circulation, which can enhance your ability to shift between expressions smoothly. This will help you become aware of your natural expressions and adjust them accordingly.
Fake it to Make it – which involves acting as if you already possess the skills you want to acquire. Like an actor playing a part on a stage. The idea is that by pretending to be (say) confident – then in time you become confident. In this case the ‘role’ is that of a person with poise and self-control. Say, for example, that you know that on Teams/Zoom calls you can get distracted and look bored and uninterested – something that really annoys your boss, then you might consciously play the role of an attentive, focused, unemotional, meeting participant. So, all the time in the Teams/Zoom meeting – especially when you’re not directly involved in the conversation – you play the part of the fully engaged, self-controlled, and supportive audience member.
The Bullet Proof Glass method – this technique asks that, at the start of a conversation, you imagine a sheet of ‘bullet proof glass’ between you and the other person. Through the ‘glass’ barrier you can see and hear what’s happening, but any irritating or challenging behaviour can’t touch you because the negative energy ‘bounces off’ the protective glass. So, you can calmly respond to what the person is saying without being affected by any annoying behaviour. This psychological tool is a remarkably powerful method for blocking the other person’s ability to provoke you into an emotional reaction.
Three ways to control your impulses
Here are three ways to manage (a) the fight/flight syndrome and (b) the urge to be instantly gratified – at the expense of achieving highvalue, long-term goals. The three ways are, (i) Relaxation Techniques, (ii) Grounding, and (iii) Surf the Urge.
Relaxation Techniques to interrupt or switch off the fight/ flight response. These include Deep Breathing, Progressive Muscle Relaxation and Meditation. So, in more details we have – Deep Breathing: Practice slow, deep abdominal breathing to counteract the shallow, rapid breathing associated with the stress response. For example, try breathing in for a count of 5 and out for a count of 10 – but whatever procedure you use, the out breath must be longer that the in breath. This pattern activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which sends signals from the brain (via the vagus nerve) to various organs, to promote relaxation. Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Systematically tense and relax different muscle groups to reduce physical tension. Aim for 10 minutes of Meditation (of whatever kind you choose e.g., vipassana, mindfulness, transcendental etc.) every day.
Grounding Techniques to move your attention into your immediate environment, which has a calming effect. For example, focus on your environment and (silently, inside your own head), name objects you see; touch or hold onto an object tightly; put weight on your heels to physically connect with the ground.
Surf the urge. As we know, people seek short-term satisfaction, such as checking email or social media constantly, eating rich foods, or finding means for distractions. However, be aware of your impulses for instant gratification and learn to delay acting on them. The core principle of urge surfing is to observe and experience an urge without engaging in the associated behaviour. It’s based on the understanding that urges, like ocean waves, will eventually peak and subside if not acted upon. The steps in the technique are:
- Identify the urge: Recognise when you’re experiencing a strong desire or craving, or impulse.
- Observe physical sensations: Pay attention to how the urge manifests
in your body, such as tension, increased heart rate, or sweating. - Focus on breathing: Use your breath as an anchor to stay present and mindful.
- Ride the wave: Visualise the urge as a wave, acknowledging its intensity as it builds, peaks, and eventually subsides.
- Maintain curiosity: Approach the experience with a non-judgmental, curious attitude
Putting it all together
Our words and actions can have a significant impact on those around us. Saying whatever we want without regard for others’ feelings can be hurtful and disrespectful. While it’s important to be authentic and express oneself, doing so with consideration for others and awareness of potential consequences leads to more positive outcomes for both individuals and society. Furthermore, while displaying your feelings openly can be helpful in many situations, in other scenarios it can be very damaging to do so. For example, as a parent showing open disapproval of a child’s efforts or being nervous in front of a customer when making a sales pitch or displaying doubt when explaining your business strategy to your team. So, using tools like Mirror Practice, Relaxation and Grounding Techniques to ensure that you are
in control of your (a) expression and (b) urges, is vital to performing at the top level in business and in life.
So what’s next?
How good are you are self-control at the moment? Where could you improve?
Reading
Try reading this one-page handout on how to use the Urge Surfing
Technique.
And/or review this short article on the difference between reacting
versus responding.
Workshop
Consider signing up your managers to our 4-hour-long, in-company
Developing Emotional Intelligence Workshop, run either as a face-to-face
session, or as a Virtual Training Event.
Contact
Or give us a call on 0844 394 8877 (UK) or email us at
coaching@boulden.net and we’ll be happy to discuss how we can work
with you.
So, to conclude we end with a quote from Milton…